IS IT JUST SINGLES WHO FEEL LONELY? IN OR OUT OF RELATIONSHIP, LONELINESS IS A COMMON EMOTION
So does being single make you lonelier?
When you are young, love is dramatic, painful and we all felt misunderstood, but as you get older, relationships or lack of them, has a deeper impact. It makes us ask all those challenging questions about ourselves, with the added layer of complication, being now over 40.
Am I too old to attract someone? Now it’s harder to find a partner, maybe I will die along and unloved? Yes, just more worries we don’t need, at any stage of our life.
Personally, I love being in relationship, I always have and I’m blessed to be in a good marriage of 11 years. We certainly have our moments like any marriage and being the independent soul that I am, I cherish my own time. It hasn’t always been like that, but when my friends talk about loneliness, I often stop and think, what ARE they lonely about?
I remember one of my spiritual teachers many years ago told me that loneliness was actually a mixture of fear and anger. How interesting! I understand the fear of not being seen, not being recognised, listened to or cared for and the anger around being left out and again unrecognised, so if loneliness is the result of this combination of these emotions – what is the remedy?
Some people feel lonely in a marriage but they actually don’t see it as loneliness, they mention emptiness or depression. I think some people who aren’t in a relationship can mistake it for loneliness when in fact it’s a part of them that feels unfulfilled in other parts of their lives, not just being in love.
When I left a very bad relationship and vowed never to be in the ‘wrong’ relationship again, I set about getting myself together. I did yoga 5 days a week, I ate brown rice and veggies, I was working hard and I was so happy! I actually fell in love with myself, I felt the ‘in love’ feeling without a person, well I realised I was ‘in love’ with me. Behold, I met my now husband not very long after, because like attracts like of course.
When a wise person OR Friend explained lonely, it actually changed how I viewed the moments of feeling down or what I would have previously thought loneliness was. I looked at my life and worked on understanding where my fears were and why they were happening, I also checked in on my anger. Most of the time my anger came from not getting what I wanted, whether it was about money, not getting attention, not winning a project, my anger stemmed from something about that. The lovely part about putting a spotlight on your issues and bringing it to light, the power of it dissipates – eventually!
Presently, I can honestly say that I’m never lonely and I can spend hours by myself, because I use my time to create and express myself in all sorts of things like painting, drawing, writing and more. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel down or fearful, I definitely have lots of challenging moments, but lonely is not a word that comes to mind for me anymore.
My advice if you are feeling lonely and I know when you get over 40, there are so many insecurities and questions that rattle around in your head (which I have many) but the skill is to recognise them as things that may need addressing. See a good Kinesiologist or Naturopath. Search online for great videos on personal development and building confidence. We are so lucky to have so much available at our finger tips. Bring your thoughts up to a higher vibration to move the fear and anger so you can feel the love and joy for yourself and the precious time that you have with yourself.